dissertation woes

The last week and a bit has absoutely flown by. In that time I've got back to Exeter. I made it back in one piece, although the rain fall since I've been here has been crazy. Oh well. It's absoutely wonderful to see friends again, although since Tuesday I've been mostly stuck at home, trying to finish this disseration and this essay.

I've got to the point where I'm not really getting anything productive done in the day - I keep getting really distracted by stupid things, I got a really good couple of hours back in my favourite cafe yesteday which was really good, but today hasn't been so good. I keep making small silly changes and trying to reread it, and I'm getting to the point where I'm thinking when do I stop? when do I say that's that? I'm fully concious of the fact I have to get it bound, which I want to do sooner rather than later, ideally tomorrow or Monday. But is tomorrow too soon? I'm thinking of leaving it until Monday... but... I don't know.. it's hard to know. Because once I've done that, that's it. Arggggh. I know it's not 'perfect', but I don't think ther'es much more I can do really.

I've also got my essay to finish and I keep umming over that too. That can be finished more last minute as it doesn't have to be bound or anything, so I'm telling myself to leave that until after the weekend. Oh man, I'm so bad at taking time off! And less than a week to go until hand in. At the same time I'm a perfectionist, I also can't wait to get it all in, and.... I don't know. I shouldn't be getting so stressed out but I am. I keep going from 'yeah it'll do', to 'this is rubbish and awful'. I suppose that's when I should take a break. A couple of people have read it (my disseration) which has been very helpful, but I still don't know. The thing is I think I always want to do what's right, when really I should do what's right for me, or what my gut's telling me....

I suppose in many ways its like writing (creatively). It's the nature of editing and rewriting. I'm never satisifed with what I write. Or even if I am, you always feel that its not quite right... do you know what I mean? I suppose it's knowing when it's the right time to stop.  When do you know though? I always, and I know other people have the same dilmenas and thoughts, swing between loving something and then hating it. At the minute I hate one of my projects and I'm ready to give it up, but then in the back of my mind I think, well I spent so long working on it... don't give it up... yet. And then other things seem more enchanting or much more fun to work on, and I suppose it's better to work on them for the time being. As long as I'm doing something. I got a little sidetracked here, I apologise. It's nearly over.

One last thing - the blogspot change.... it confuses me. I'm one of those people who hates change and it is just baffling to me this new layout. I'm sure I'll get used to it, but I keep clicking on the wrong buttons. 

Stressed Out.

In many ways, it's been an utterly overwhelming week.

I have been stressed out, tired and way too busy, feeling like I have so much to do (I really do). I phoned my dad yesterday and when he asked if I was okay I burst into tears. Okay, so not great, and I'm still feeling a little overwhelmed, and utterly unproductive, despite setting aside today for what I thought would be a good productive working day (uni work that is) wasn't exactly so. I think I try to do too much at the same time, and then feel bad when I'm not working on the other thing, and it's all a bit stressful at the minute. I got some results back yesterday, which while they were good, and I should be pleased with them, I was at the same time disappointed becasue I had put so much work in and worked so hard, and still only done alright, when other people don't bother and do so much better than I do. Life's not fair is it?

Writing wise, I have done quite a bit of productive editing in the evenings (only an hour here and there, but it all helps) and am definitely on an up again. My mood yesterday and my decision to take a couple of hours utterly unwork related, mainly because I couldn't focus on anything and my dad told me to go buy coffee (any excuse) I did some free writing, just whatever came into my head, for the first time in ages. It was nice to write something other than my wip's, and good I think to do so. Rather interesting what I ended up with. Reminds me that I need time off from everything, even if I'm not very good at doing it - tonight's another example, although I'm hoping tomorrow will be more productive, with no excuses. *fingers crossed*

Feeling a little better now, and I'm hoping that the next few weeks will be okay. They should be, there's just so much to do - dissertation reading, dissertation extract to write, children's lit essay, children's lit presentation, lines to learn, weekly reading to do... but you know what, I don't want to complain (I'm aware that's what I'm doing) and I will stop now. I'm not going to do any more work tonight.. I don't think...

It's not the end of the world anyway, a few grades and essays? It doesn't matter, as my dad reminded me. It's just hard to remember that sometimes.

One last thing, before I end this moan; I was struck rather suddenly yesterday when I went out and had my coffee and sat observing everyone, as usual, and reading/writing. There was a little girl,and what must have been her carer behind me in the queue; the little girl had a hearing aid and a stick. She must have been about five or six, yet she seemed so happy and she was chattering away. It made me feel like, really, I don't have much to worry about. What are a few grades? It certainly made me think.

Anyway, off to do something productive...