a little off topic.

Bad things have happened to good people this week.

In so many different ways; unexpected bad news, expected bad news, ongoing worries and problems.

It's been a difficult week, and it's made me realise, yet again, how unfair life is. How unexpected, bad things can happen. How life is so short and unpredictable. It made me really sad, but also really angry. I've had my own experience of death and bereavement in the last few years, including this past week, but that doesn't prepare you for when it happens to you, or to someone else. And it makes you feel so helpless. You want to look after and love your friends, family - the people you love. There is nothing you can do to make it better, not really.

When it comes upon you so unexpected and unprepared for, its a different kind of shock and grief. my experiences have been with illnesses, things we have (tried to) prepare for - or course you can never be prepared, but you have some sort of warning. An unexpected death is so...

The last few days I have found myself trying to express words that I have known and wanted to say but found myself ultimately unable to put into physical words and speech. I never realised before quite how different it was to be in that position, trying to comfort someone else.

It's still difficult to put it all into words here, but I have experienced such a mixture of bad news from various people this week, and tried to help others and talked, a hell of a lot and worried. I know that just being there for people is something and sometimes that's all you can do. Listen. And drink tea. And give lots of hugs. Do silly things. But it's so hard, because I don't want my friends to be hurting. I want them to be happy. But it makes me feel so helpless, because I want to help them and do everything I can, whatever that is.

I'm still finding it so hard to express all of this and put it into words. Maybe I'll feel clearer tomorrow. Here's to the end of the week, although this week is going to be difficult too, but let's hope it begins to get better soon.

p.s. sorry for the lack of writing stuff. Normal service will resume shortly...

Outlining.

So I did what I usually do: started writing, and then realised that actually I need to write a better outline than just 'chapter one' 'chapter two'. So, having got some words down, and a start, which I like, and also a voice which I like, I sat down to write a better outline and really plan this, so I had some idea of how to get everything in and make it go how I want it to go. Harder than it sounds.

Although, I did do this with Love Actually on in the background, so no wonder I was easily distracted. But I needed some Christmas cheer. Anyway, having seemed to have wasted the whole day* - I suppose I've done THINKING, and thinking is good, and an important part in writing I have realised, I dont' always have to be writing, but sometimes I just want to be. And at the minute I want to come up with some short stories for my CW portfolio. PLEASE INSPIRATION GODS.

So, as I say, usually I start writing and then realise I haven't thought enough/planned enough - apart from NaNo of course where I have to wait, and it's probably quite a good thing, having a deadline like that, although I find it hard to set one for myself, because I always think, well no, why don't I just start now? THIS IS WHY. I am learning. Anyway. It gets me the voice and the way I want it to sound. And it definitely helps to start. Otherwise I am a little stuck, vaguely knowing what I want the story to be and not sure how to tell it. But now I know. More anyway. Sort of. I think I'm going to type it up now and then stop staring at my computer screen....


*Although I have been doing general LIVING, which is always good.... I had breakfast with a friend, did some Christmas shopping, some reading, some messing about online, had a friend over for tea, more reading, looked through a file of academic work.... but it still doesn't feel very productive. At that loose stage of having handed in everything for this term, and its the last week and a bit, and I know I have work to start doing and I constantly feel like there is something I should be doing, but I don't know it, because I'm not entirely sure what IT is. I'll be freaking out in a few weeks, about the amount I have to do, I know I will. I also think, ahh I have the whole afternoon/evening to write. But I don't get as much done as I hoped. **

**That was rather long and irelevant. Sorry.